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Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in the "meltingme" journal:
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02:45 pm
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There´s no way
I´m an ass, I know. Í had all these plans to document my time here in Spain by keeping this live journal....and I have let everyone down. For this, Í am deeply sorry and apologetic. There is just no way for me to make up for lost times in one entry, but I will pick up from right now.
Spain is like nothing I expected. It is my home and at the same time so very foreign to me. The spanish people are nothing like me and no nothing of my experiences or where I come from, and at the same time I am so drawn to them. I am afraid that when I leave, it will be like I was never hear at all. I will make sure that this does not happen.
Thank you moe for your kind reminder. I needed that.
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12:04 am
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My first day
You never get used to the feeling of complete uncertainty, the feeling that something big is about to come over you and that you can only look around and watch the familiar and safe slowly morph to something unrecognizable. Am I good enough for this? Am I ready? Who knows.
I applied to study abroad first and foremost because I was completely bored with the way things were going. Life seemed unstatisfying for whatever reason and this seemed like the best way to break free from that. Is this a bad reason, I don't know. Soon, awkwardness, uncertainty, self doubt, homesickness, and lonelieness will take the place of my complacency and boredom. Hopefully these feelings will in turn give way to confidence, friendship, and survival. I don't expect to "find myself" or "discover the world" or whatever other trite platitude people formulate after traveling abroad, but I do know that by deciding to change the direction of my life so far, to experience life differently, perhaps I'll be different too. Perhaps I'll become something better than I am, if only because I made a life decision and stuck with it. I will be a decision maker, an influence to myself. I will be all that I need. There's obviously no turning back now. This is my reality. Tomorrow is my first day. I leave everything behind for a time. I leave myself behind in some ways too. I'm going to a place where I am a complete unknown. I am no one. I am blank. How powerful I feel. How truly alone I am. I am 21 years old and tomorrow is my first day flying solo. I am all that I need to make it. Wish me luck!
Current Mood:  hopeful
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11:52 pm
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Beautiful Day
Today the sun shined. I can't remember when the sky looked more blue all summer. Usually I'm content to just chill at home, inside for the most part, regardless of the weather, but today I was compelled by my strong common sense not to waste a good thing that I decided to go to the park with my dog for a few hours. I had such a great time even though all we did was walk around the banks of the Hudson and sit under a willow tree for a while. Obviously it's enjoyable to be outside on a spectacular day like today, but I think the reason I enjoyed it the most was because I saw how pleased my dog Lucy was with everything. Every little smell and sound seemed to fascinate her so, as if she were studying it keenly, trying to make a memory of every detail. She was so happy today just to run circles around the field and rest in the shade. When she got thirsty, I poured water into my hand and she drank from it. She was even friendly with this other Springer Spaniel who happened to be out for a walk in the park as well. She has added so much to my life and my family's life it's incredible. But dogs have that power over us, and humans need so badly to form relationships of affection and love, why should those relationships be reserved exclusively for other humans. Without any words, without any false promises or emotional baggage, me and my dog care for each other. To be honest, it feels like one of the most bull shit free relationships I have ever known.
We had a family dinner tonight and Cassandra was my guest. I'm really not taking for granted at all the little family moments like dinner, pretty soon I'm going to feel all alone again....but hopefully not for too long.
Current Mood: content
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